I was born with an afro.
That’s right, a blonde fucking afro. I have very course, frizzy, naturally curly hair. It’s the one thing I inherited from my mother (may she RIP) that I detest. If I could shave this shit off and still pass as a woman instead of an NBA basketball player, I would. Wait, they’re all black, but I digress.
I waste more money and time on this mop that any woman should have to. My bathroom vanity is filled with anti-frizz creams, moisturizing oils, smoothing creams, anti-curl lotions, and other such nonsense. THIS SHIT DOESN’T WORK. My hair is stubborn and I want to kill it. I tried several times, in fact. There’s actually a name for it. The “Brazilian Keratin Treatment.” This process actually involves the hair stylist putting in a substance loaded with keratin (a protein that gives hair shine and takes away the frizz) however this substance also contains FORMALDEHYDE. That’s right. I…AM…NOT…LYING. It actually worked the first 2 times, not the third. Evidently, my hair was pissed off. Probably thinking, “formaldehyde, really? I’ll show you, bitch!”
I’ve been seeing my hairstylist for about 4 years and absolutely love her. She’s a magician of sorts, especially when it comes to color. THAT’S right! I color my hair, too. I’m not particularly partial to “dirty dishwater” colored hair, so yeah, I do the color. Blonde with highlights. No question, always love the final look she does. What I do get baffled by each time is how I want it cut. MOST of the time, it’s just a trim. A few past occasions, I’ve gone off the charts with some shocking cut (mostly because I want to punish my hair) that only looks good on other people. Here’s how our conversation went when I sat in Tara’s chair just a week ago.
TARA: So what are we doing today?
ME: I want it shaved.
(she thinks I’m kidding)
TARA: Do you just want a trim today?
ME: No, shave it off.
TARA: *laughs again*
ME: Why are you laughing? I think I could start a new trend, like Sinead O’Connor. Whaddya think?
TARA: I won’t do that to you. (She’s still laughing)
ME: You don’t understand. I can’t live like this anymore. I look like Bozo’s fucking blonde wife.
TARA: Let’s just try putting in some long layers and thinning it out?
ME: How about some really short layers? Like that close-shaven look?
Anyway, you get the idea.
She did thin it out nicely, so much so that my head keeps lolling around without all that extra weight.