Hair We Go, Again

I was born with an afro.











That’s right, a blonde fucking afro.  I have very course, frizzy, naturally curly hair.  It’s the one thing I inherited from my mother (may she RIP) that I detest.  If I could shave this shit off and still pass as a woman instead of an NBA basketball player, I would.  Wait, they’re all black, but I digress.

I waste more money and time on this mop that any woman should have to.  My bathroom vanity is filled with anti-frizz creams, moisturizing oils, smoothing creams, anti-curl lotions, and other such nonsense.  THIS SHIT DOESN’T WORK.  My hair is stubborn and I want to kill it.  I tried several times, in fact.  There’s actually a name for it.  The “Brazilian Keratin Treatment.”  This process actually involves the hair stylist putting in a substance loaded with keratin (a protein that gives hair shine and takes away the frizz) however this substance also contains FORMALDEHYDE. That’s right.  I…AM…NOT…LYING.  It actually worked the first 2 times, not the third.  Evidently, my hair was pissed off.  Probably thinking, “formaldehyde, really?  I’ll show you, bitch!”

Flat Iron

I’ve been seeing my hairstylist for about 4 years and absolutely love her.  She’s a magician of sorts, especially when it comes to color.  THAT’S right! I color my hair, too.  I’m not particularly partial to “dirty dishwater” colored hair, so yeah, I do the color.  Blonde with highlights. No question, always love the final look she does.  What I do get baffled by each time is how I want it cut.  MOST of the time, it’s just a trim.  A few past occasions, I’ve gone off the charts with some shocking cut (mostly because I want to punish my hair) that only looks good on other people.  Here’s how our conversation went when I sat in Tara’s chair just a week ago.

TARA:  So what are we doing today?

ME: I want it shaved.

TARA: *laughs*

(she thinks I’m kidding)

TARA:  Do you just want a trim today?

ME: No, shave it off.

TARA: *laughs again*

ME: Why are you laughing? I think I could start a new trend, like Sinead O’Connor.  Whaddya think?

TARA:  I won’t do that to you. (She’s still laughing)

ME: You don’t understand.  I can’t live like this anymore.  I look like Bozo’s fucking blonde wife.

TARA: Let’s just try putting in some long layers and thinning it out?

ME: How about some really short layers?  Like that close-shaven look?

Anyway, you get the idea.

She did thin it out nicely, so much so that my head keeps lolling around without all that extra weight.

Frizzy Hair


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